Confession: I didn't do anything productive yesterday. Not a single thing. Just for the record, neither did Sean. I guess we are even.
It was a cold, still Saturday. Patches of snow are still left on the ground. I attended a funeral (my step sisters lost their grandmother). The burial was touching - someone released balloons. I lost the feeling in my toes. Everyone stood around afterwards, not really knowing what to do or what to say.
It made me sad. Sad for them because I know they are hurting. And sad for me because I remembered the burial of my grandmother just a little over 1 year ago. I don't like to think about death. Not just because our loved ones have passed, but because I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough living while I still have time on this earth.
Thinking about life coming to an end makes me feel like I'm not making the most of my days, not enjoying life to its fullest. Which is why I'm even MORE disappointed in myself for staying in yesterday and napping. I came home after the funeral feeling a little drained from weeping, and so I took a THREE HOUR nap. A Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon was on, so I watched a big chunk of that, and played with Murphy.
Before I knew it, mom was calling to see if we wanted to meet up with the family* for a 6:00 dinner at Nachos. Dinner already! I haven't done anything all day!
Dinner was chaotic, and Sean and I were forced to calm our nerves with several beers. After a quick stop a Home Depot for a mop head, we returned home to watch District 9. I promptly fell asleep (had zero interest in a movie about aliens).
So today is a new day! A sunny day, a somewhat warm day. I plan on being much more productive, breathing in fresh air and smiling a lot. I better get started! It's just past noon and I'm still in my PJ's. Did you know that planning a week's worth of healthy yet cost-effective meals is a long, challenging and somewhat sucky task? Yes, well...it is.
*the family in this case consisted of my mom and step-dad, his 4 daughters, 3 sons-in law, 5 of his 8 grandchildren, and 4 random friends. I hope someone remembered to tip the server...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
H2Oh No!
Warning: This may just be the worst possible blog entry of all time, but I'm in a hurry. Forgive.
So...I'm sitting here at the computer paying bills, and updating my monthly BUDGET SPREADSHEET (I know, aren't you jealous?) and I realize that last year's January water bill is $10 less. So I pull out my Q1 Utilities stubs from 2010 and start comparing the bills...and that's when I realize that we have a spike in December both years in a row. Sure, there's a spike in July and August because we're trying to prevent every shred of green from turning to a crisp. But December? December is 1,000 gallons more in both years.
The first thought that comes to mind is the live Christmas tree. But are you kidding me!? We can't possibly be putting 1,000 gallons into the Christmas tree. And let me also share a personal winter secret - I shave my legs WAAAY less frequently, so I know for a fact that we're conserving bath water. I also feel that I wash less clothing in the winter months because we're usually layered up and I don't wash sweaters.
So what is it? Am I missing something obvious? My other guesses include:
- Cooking holiday treats and, therefore, washing more dishes
- Eating bigger meals which leads to more pooping?
And there you have it - the worst blog post of all time.
So...I'm sitting here at the computer paying bills, and updating my monthly BUDGET SPREADSHEET (I know, aren't you jealous?) and I realize that last year's January water bill is $10 less. So I pull out my Q1 Utilities stubs from 2010 and start comparing the bills...and that's when I realize that we have a spike in December both years in a row. Sure, there's a spike in July and August because we're trying to prevent every shred of green from turning to a crisp. But December? December is 1,000 gallons more in both years.
The first thought that comes to mind is the live Christmas tree. But are you kidding me!? We can't possibly be putting 1,000 gallons into the Christmas tree. And let me also share a personal winter secret - I shave my legs WAAAY less frequently, so I know for a fact that we're conserving bath water. I also feel that I wash less clothing in the winter months because we're usually layered up and I don't wash sweaters.
So what is it? Am I missing something obvious? My other guesses include:
- Cooking holiday treats and, therefore, washing more dishes
- Eating bigger meals which leads to more pooping?
And there you have it - the worst blog post of all time.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Snow Day!
Grab the bowls and start mixing your Snow Cream, people! It snowed in Middle Tennessee today. A whopping 2-3" at my house, and that's plenty for me. The snow came with no ice which means that the roads are actually manageable. Still, everyone used this opportunity to skip work so I ended up being 1 of 3 people in the office. Here's a view from my window:
Sean and I plan on enjoying some homemade beef stew and French bread tonight and FINALLY getting the Christmas decorations put away. (Please tell me we aren't the only ones with Christmas things still strewn about the house...)
Sean and I plan on enjoying some homemade beef stew and French bread tonight and FINALLY getting the Christmas decorations put away. (Please tell me we aren't the only ones with Christmas things still strewn about the house...)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Can't see my face
Can't see my face? I can't see yours either. That's because I deleted my Facebook account (GASP!) The good news for you, readers, is that you'll be seeing an increase in blog posts. Which actually means a LOT more of my ramblings, so now that I think about it, maybe you ain't so lucky after all...
What prompted me to delete my account? I'm not really sure. The idea just came to me during a casual conversation with friends on New Years Eve, and I decided to go with it. After all, it was the first day of a brand new year, and I felt like challenging myself. And YES, it's a challenge. At least once a day (sometimes twice, or even three times) I find myself wondering what's going on with all my Facebook friends. Who's where? With whom? Someone say something witty? Post pictures of their new babies? The truth is, 99% of the Facebook feed isn't important, and therefore, I don't REALLY need to know what's going on with everyone. I figure this will force me to reach out to people directly and focus more on the REAL relationships in my life (rather than the virtual ones). Sadly, because I was able to read all about my friends' lives via Facebook, I didn't always reach out to them to say, "Hey there, what's new with ya?" Because I already knew. So while we were up to date on virtually every aspect of each others lives, no one was actually interacting directly.
The voyeuristic side of me is a bit bored these days. Browsing my friends' news was definitely a good time killer while I ate lunch at my desk (or while I was supposed to be getting ready for work...or while I was supposed to be getting ready for bed). I wasted waaaay too much time stalking acquaintances, old crushes from high school, people we met at social gatherings, etc. My hope is that I'll actually contact my REAL LIFE friends directly and that I'll actually have something to TALK ABOUT since I don't have the luxury of reading hourly updates.
I'm looking forward to meeting you all again!!!
Now off to a nice Mexican dinner with my mom and stepdad...Adios.
What prompted me to delete my account? I'm not really sure. The idea just came to me during a casual conversation with friends on New Years Eve, and I decided to go with it. After all, it was the first day of a brand new year, and I felt like challenging myself. And YES, it's a challenge. At least once a day (sometimes twice, or even three times) I find myself wondering what's going on with all my Facebook friends. Who's where? With whom? Someone say something witty? Post pictures of their new babies? The truth is, 99% of the Facebook feed isn't important, and therefore, I don't REALLY need to know what's going on with everyone. I figure this will force me to reach out to people directly and focus more on the REAL relationships in my life (rather than the virtual ones). Sadly, because I was able to read all about my friends' lives via Facebook, I didn't always reach out to them to say, "Hey there, what's new with ya?" Because I already knew. So while we were up to date on virtually every aspect of each others lives, no one was actually interacting directly.
The voyeuristic side of me is a bit bored these days. Browsing my friends' news was definitely a good time killer while I ate lunch at my desk (or while I was supposed to be getting ready for work...or while I was supposed to be getting ready for bed). I wasted waaaay too much time stalking acquaintances, old crushes from high school, people we met at social gatherings, etc. My hope is that I'll actually contact my REAL LIFE friends directly and that I'll actually have something to TALK ABOUT since I don't have the luxury of reading hourly updates.
I'm looking forward to meeting you all again!!!
Now off to a nice Mexican dinner with my mom and stepdad...Adios.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Tabula Rasa? Not when you have Decidophobia.
We’ve officially walked through the threshold into twenty-eleven, and all I feel is a big sense of disappointment. (I know, it’s only the 3rd and I’m already feeling let down???) The truth is that I’m disappointed in myself. The start of a new year presents a clean slate, the opportunity to turn over a new leaf and head a new direction, and while I have the utmost desire to do this, it’s difficult to move in a new direction when I feel so stuck. I'm just a few steps into the new year, but I can't see which way to go. It's like I'm blinded by a thick winter fog. Considering that winter puts me in a depressed mood, it may be better for me to start my new year in April. Just a thought...
Now that I think about it, getting myself “stuck” (as in: stumped, temporarily disabled, paralyzed, etc.) has been a recurring theme in my life.
I once got stuck during a piano recital and couldn’t remember anything past the first few measures. I was mortified. I quit taking piano lessons after that incident.
I got stuck while trying to choose colleges. I ended up going to UT-Knoxville and hating it. After taking a year off, I re-enrolled at MTSU and hated it there, too. I defaulted to in-state/local schools because it was the easy answer. In hind sight, I should’ve explored more opportunities further away from home.
During my time at MTSU, I got stuck while trying to compose term papers. Not just stuck on one or two, but like, ALL of them. Each time I was asked to write a paper, I went into complete hysteria. Just ask Sean – he sat with me through several crying incidents at his computer.
I get stuck when it comes to home décor. My entire house is beige – the walls, the carpet, my furniture, pillows, sheets and towels. Beige, beige and more beige. I enjoy looking at home décor magazines and websites, but there are just too many choices out there (and not enough money in my wallet). So, I choose to avoid the decisions and live with the beige.
The act of being stuck, my friends, is no good place for me. Canines have the inherent “Fight or Flight” response. My natural response to a challenge is stand still, cry a little bit and then poop my pants because I’m scared shitless. Rather than take the bull by the horns, I immediately turn into a depressed, self-deprecating, fearful mess of a human being. When there’s no clear path set for me, I struggle greatly to set forth in a new direction – any direction. Isn’t that so pathetic??? I just Googled “fear of too many decisions”, and apparently, Princeton University philosopher Walter Kaufmann identified this as “decidophibia” in 1973.
Decidophobia: people who lack the courage or will to sort through the different sides in disagreements to find the truth. They would rather leave the deciding of what is the truth to some authority.
That definition doesn’t hold true with all aspects of my life. I’m generally confident when making basic decisions such as, picking a place to eat for dinner or buying a pair of shoes. In fact, my friends usually turn to me when it comes to mapping out a plan. Unfortunately, when it comes to more important things like…I don’t know…WHAT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE then I’m a complete coward. Kaufmann's definition of decidophibia brings up a good point, though: he says that these people are trying to find the truth. And I realize that I'm not seeking the truth. I'm just seeking a path. Specifically, the "right" path and the "cheapest" path. And it's stupid because there is no "right" path - only different paths. Each path will present it's own challenges, and each path will shape me in it's own way. I just WISH there were more FREE paths...
Now that I think about it, getting myself “stuck” (as in: stumped, temporarily disabled, paralyzed, etc.) has been a recurring theme in my life.
I once got stuck during a piano recital and couldn’t remember anything past the first few measures. I was mortified. I quit taking piano lessons after that incident.
I got stuck while trying to choose colleges. I ended up going to UT-Knoxville and hating it. After taking a year off, I re-enrolled at MTSU and hated it there, too. I defaulted to in-state/local schools because it was the easy answer. In hind sight, I should’ve explored more opportunities further away from home.
During my time at MTSU, I got stuck while trying to compose term papers. Not just stuck on one or two, but like, ALL of them. Each time I was asked to write a paper, I went into complete hysteria. Just ask Sean – he sat with me through several crying incidents at his computer.
I get stuck when it comes to home décor. My entire house is beige – the walls, the carpet, my furniture, pillows, sheets and towels. Beige, beige and more beige. I enjoy looking at home décor magazines and websites, but there are just too many choices out there (and not enough money in my wallet). So, I choose to avoid the decisions and live with the beige.
The act of being stuck, my friends, is no good place for me. Canines have the inherent “Fight or Flight” response. My natural response to a challenge is stand still, cry a little bit and then poop my pants because I’m scared shitless. Rather than take the bull by the horns, I immediately turn into a depressed, self-deprecating, fearful mess of a human being. When there’s no clear path set for me, I struggle greatly to set forth in a new direction – any direction. Isn’t that so pathetic??? I just Googled “fear of too many decisions”, and apparently, Princeton University philosopher Walter Kaufmann identified this as “decidophibia” in 1973.
Decidophobia: people who lack the courage or will to sort through the different sides in disagreements to find the truth. They would rather leave the deciding of what is the truth to some authority.
That definition doesn’t hold true with all aspects of my life. I’m generally confident when making basic decisions such as, picking a place to eat for dinner or buying a pair of shoes. In fact, my friends usually turn to me when it comes to mapping out a plan. Unfortunately, when it comes to more important things like…I don’t know…WHAT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE then I’m a complete coward. Kaufmann's definition of decidophibia brings up a good point, though: he says that these people are trying to find the truth. And I realize that I'm not seeking the truth. I'm just seeking a path. Specifically, the "right" path and the "cheapest" path. And it's stupid because there is no "right" path - only different paths. Each path will present it's own challenges, and each path will shape me in it's own way. I just WISH there were more FREE paths...
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Scenes from Christmas
I'm a good boy, I promise! Pllleeeeease bring me presents!
Murphy got a bacon flavored bone. Momma got some box wine. Everyone is happy!
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas? Guess my dream kinda sucked...
Murphy got a bacon flavored bone. Momma got some box wine. Everyone is happy!
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas? Guess my dream kinda sucked...
Monday, December 20, 2010
You're a mean one...
Grinch: noun
1) A habitually irritable or complaining person, especially during the Christmas season
2) One who cannot tolerate the unnecessary emphasis on material gifts, excessive spending, spoiling, racking up debt all in the name of the Lord’s birth
Consider me a Grinch, and a proud one at that. I resist the modern day celebration and festivities of this Christian holiday. To be clear, I don’t hate the holiday itself, but I do hate the crazed obsession with shopping. Thousands of people flocking to the malls to buy more, MORE, MORE. Like zombies on fresh human flesh, they just can’t seem to get enough. The fact that malls are allowed to decorate for Christmas before Halloween makes my stomach turn. But more than that, the fact that people ENJOY the premature décor makes my blood boil. The thing that disappoints me the most is that all the buying, wrapping, decorating, caroling, tree lighting etc. has people “in the spirit.” Why aren’t you like this all year round, people? You need these things to make you happy? You need this music and these lights and this food to make you happy? Oh, and the Christmas-only-Christians…don’t get me started. I don’t buy into any of it (no pun intended). Christmas has unfortunately turned into a time for people to fake their way through togetherness, fake their way through happiness, fake their way through caring and giving, filling their voids with material gifts.
You’re probably wondering: how does someone end up this way? What led her into the darkness? How does one turn into a Grinch? Those definitely aren’t easy questions to answer. It’s a combination of many things…years and years of family dysfunction coupled with my own distaste for human nature. For starters, I never really believed in the “magic” of Christmas. Santa was a joke to me at the age of seven. Christmas was also a very stressful time of year for our family. My mom put immense pressure on herself to buy gifts and have everything perfect and be fair with the presents…down to the last penny. If my sister got a doll, I got the same doll in a different color. We got the same exact sweaters, pj’s, Barbies – you name it, and mom made sure she spent the EXACT same amount of money on us. Her quest for Christmas perfection turned her into a screaming lunatic. She’d eventually crack under the pressure, scream and throw things. Even as a young child, I thought “This isn’t worth it…all this STUFF just isn’t worth seeing her like this.” She was scary at Christmas (and other times of the year, but ALWAYS scary at Christmas). Mom was the Anti-Santa, if you will. I don’t blame her for my existing distaste for the holiday, but I can’t deny the fact that she did shape my opinion. And you know what? Now that I’m an adult, I find myself under the same pressures she faced…and I TOTALLY understand why she went bonkers. I, myself, have come close to going bonkers. There are other lingering issues that would take me years to explain – for example, FORCED togetherness. The fact that you have to spend time with people you don’t like simply because they fall under the category of “family.” That’s enough to squash anyone’s Christmas spirit if you ask me! And finally, the fact that people don’t accept my opinions or respect my desire to “opt out” is really, really frustrating. I’ve tried to opt out for years, but people treat me like I’m evil. I’m not evil, people! I just don’t want to do what you think I should do! In years past it’s gone something like this: “Please don’t buy me a gift – isn’t being together and sharing a nice meal enough of a Celebration? What’s that you say? No??? It’s NOT enough? You INSIST on buying me a gift because it ‘wouldn’t be Christmas if you didn’t’? Oh, I’m SORRY – I thought you could save your money and just enjoy TIME with ME, but I guess not…”
See, I told you there were a lot more issues…
My perfect Christmas would be:
- Only celebrating Christmas the actual WEEK OF CHRISTMAS
- Martha Stuart coming over to decorate my house (I really don’t enjoy decorating, and my decorations are crap.)
- Being with people I love, and who actually love and appreciate me in return
- Sitting around a nice fire, boiled custard, and some Rat Pack Christmas music
- Only visiting ONE house instead of SIX different houses (it makes for a loooong, tiring day)
- A few simple homemade gifts, and one surprise gift from my honey. He’s REALLY good at surprising me, and THAT's where I find the magic in Christmas.
Until next year,
1) A habitually irritable or complaining person, especially during the Christmas season
2) One who cannot tolerate the unnecessary emphasis on material gifts, excessive spending, spoiling, racking up debt all in the name of the Lord’s birth
Consider me a Grinch, and a proud one at that. I resist the modern day celebration and festivities of this Christian holiday. To be clear, I don’t hate the holiday itself, but I do hate the crazed obsession with shopping. Thousands of people flocking to the malls to buy more, MORE, MORE. Like zombies on fresh human flesh, they just can’t seem to get enough. The fact that malls are allowed to decorate for Christmas before Halloween makes my stomach turn. But more than that, the fact that people ENJOY the premature décor makes my blood boil. The thing that disappoints me the most is that all the buying, wrapping, decorating, caroling, tree lighting etc. has people “in the spirit.” Why aren’t you like this all year round, people? You need these things to make you happy? You need this music and these lights and this food to make you happy? Oh, and the Christmas-only-Christians…don’t get me started. I don’t buy into any of it (no pun intended). Christmas has unfortunately turned into a time for people to fake their way through togetherness, fake their way through happiness, fake their way through caring and giving, filling their voids with material gifts.
You’re probably wondering: how does someone end up this way? What led her into the darkness? How does one turn into a Grinch? Those definitely aren’t easy questions to answer. It’s a combination of many things…years and years of family dysfunction coupled with my own distaste for human nature. For starters, I never really believed in the “magic” of Christmas. Santa was a joke to me at the age of seven. Christmas was also a very stressful time of year for our family. My mom put immense pressure on herself to buy gifts and have everything perfect and be fair with the presents…down to the last penny. If my sister got a doll, I got the same doll in a different color. We got the same exact sweaters, pj’s, Barbies – you name it, and mom made sure she spent the EXACT same amount of money on us. Her quest for Christmas perfection turned her into a screaming lunatic. She’d eventually crack under the pressure, scream and throw things. Even as a young child, I thought “This isn’t worth it…all this STUFF just isn’t worth seeing her like this.” She was scary at Christmas (and other times of the year, but ALWAYS scary at Christmas). Mom was the Anti-Santa, if you will. I don’t blame her for my existing distaste for the holiday, but I can’t deny the fact that she did shape my opinion. And you know what? Now that I’m an adult, I find myself under the same pressures she faced…and I TOTALLY understand why she went bonkers. I, myself, have come close to going bonkers. There are other lingering issues that would take me years to explain – for example, FORCED togetherness. The fact that you have to spend time with people you don’t like simply because they fall under the category of “family.” That’s enough to squash anyone’s Christmas spirit if you ask me! And finally, the fact that people don’t accept my opinions or respect my desire to “opt out” is really, really frustrating. I’ve tried to opt out for years, but people treat me like I’m evil. I’m not evil, people! I just don’t want to do what you think I should do! In years past it’s gone something like this: “Please don’t buy me a gift – isn’t being together and sharing a nice meal enough of a Celebration? What’s that you say? No??? It’s NOT enough? You INSIST on buying me a gift because it ‘wouldn’t be Christmas if you didn’t’? Oh, I’m SORRY – I thought you could save your money and just enjoy TIME with ME, but I guess not…”
See, I told you there were a lot more issues…
My perfect Christmas would be:
- Only celebrating Christmas the actual WEEK OF CHRISTMAS
- Martha Stuart coming over to decorate my house (I really don’t enjoy decorating, and my decorations are crap.)
- Being with people I love, and who actually love and appreciate me in return
- Sitting around a nice fire, boiled custard, and some Rat Pack Christmas music
- Only visiting ONE house instead of SIX different houses (it makes for a loooong, tiring day)
- A few simple homemade gifts, and one surprise gift from my honey. He’s REALLY good at surprising me, and THAT's where I find the magic in Christmas.
Until next year,
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