Thursday, January 31, 2008

Cardio, Claories and Cleaning – OH MY.

Losing weight. It’s a daunting task but it can be done. The trick is to do it “right.” It means counting calories and fat intake and exercising on a regular basis, and so that’s what I’ve been doing. In fact, it feels like that’s ALL I do sometimes. When people say it’s a lifestyle change, well…they aren’t lying.

I almost had a meltdown the other night when I came home. I say “almost” because I managed to pull myself together. But for a small second, I really could’ve broken down in tears out of anger, frustration and exhaustion. I’ve been participating in this weight loss program going on 3 weeks now. The program lasts a total of 12, so we’re only a quarter of the way through. Ugh…I manage to do ok with my eating for the most part. I’ve only “cheated” a few times, but my cheats are still within reason. The worst cheat so far was a nasty burger at O’Charley’s. It was so bad that I didn’t even eat the whole thing. Overcooked and tasteless. To be honest, I don’t know what possessed me to eat a burger in the first place. I rarely order them and I never crave them. And at O’Charley’s of all places??? I really must have lost my mind that night. That day my total calories came to 1800 when they’re supposed to be 1500. Worse things have happened, right?

But let me tell you…it’s the exercise that’s killing me. Last week was TERRIBLE. I felt like I had been run over by a train, or like I was coming down with the flu. I was miserable and in a foul mood. Four days of exercise is something I can handle. In fact, I had become quite used to doing 4 days. But often, I allowed myself a break in between, going Mon-Tues, off Wednesday, and back on Thu-Fri. I guess my body was so used to the on-again, off-again routine that it went into shock when I did 5 days in a row. Anyhow, the exhaustion led me to being irritable which led me to the near-meltdown.

I just feel like I spend ALL of my time thinking about losing weight. If I’m not planning meals, then I’m in the gym. Or if I’m out with friends, then I’m upset that I can’t eat good food. It really gets to me sometimes…it’s hard work, and sometimes I just HATE it.

So I came home the other night, tired, cranky and exhausted…and still fat…It was 7 p.m. by the time I got home. I only had 3 hours before going to bed, which was a little depressing. THREE HOURS. That’s it. And guess what happens in those three hours? Cooking dinner. Cleaning up after dinner. Packing the gym back for the next day. And squeezing in a stupid TV show. How freakin exciting, right? This feeling is what I like to call “being in a rut.”

So I’m standing in the kitchen, and the house was just getting to me…so messy, not cleaned. The fact that I’ve been so focused on losing weight and doing this program means that my cleaning duties have taken a back seat. I mean, something has to give so why not the cleaning? It’s my least favorite thing. But that night I was overwhelmed with a huge guilt complex. I was thinking, “I’m not doing enough. I’m not cleaning enough. I’m not organized.” I felt like a failure, and of course Sean was saying, “No, you’re doing a great job.” Oh, SHUT UP. I do not take encouragement well at all. In fact, it sometimes makes me feel worse. If I were doing a great job the tub would’ve been cleaned. The sheets would’ve been washed. The clothes would’ve been picked up off the bathroom floor. The kitchen wouldn’t look like a disaster zone. The laundry wouldn’t be overflowing out of the hamper. I suck.

But thankfully, I snapped out of my funk. With only 3 hours before bedtime, there’s no room for a meltdown. I just sucked it up and ignored all of it. Screw it. No one can see my messy kitchen (except maybe the neighbors). I’m fine with it. Sean isn’t complaining about it.

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