Saturday, October 17, 2009

Mixed Emotions


The past 2 weeks have been full of mixed emotions like none other. A very devastating and embarrassing incident happened within my extended family last week. Even though it was all over the local news for 1 day, I don't quite feel like sharing the details in this blog. If you don't already know what it is, then just ask me offline. The events of that "incident" (which is what I will call it for now) and the people involved in it have been weighing heavy on my heart. Even though life continues to be full of blessings for me, the incident has kept me on an emotional roller coaster...going back and forth between peaceful and sad and angry quite frequently.

We had to bury my Mimi (my maternal grandmother) yesterday. In some ways it doesn't seem real. It just can't be real. She was such a lively person, and she had many more good years left in her. Even though she spent most of her time lying on the couch and talking on the phone (haha), her personality was bold and vibrant. Everyone kept saying "She was so in tact for an 81 year old." And she was! Her mind was very strong, and her body was holding up well. This was no way for her to go...I have to push those frightening images out of my mind from "that day" or else I will start to cry.

She paid the ultimate sacrifice for taking care of her mentally ill son for all those years. She knew that no one else could or would take care of him. He couldn't care of himself, and so there she was...stuck with him. She love him, yet hated him. She wanted him to be taken care of, but she hated the burdens that came with her responsibility. He was so sick in the head. It was draining to be around him for 1 hour...even when he was on meds. He had been off meds for about 1 year, and he was starting to lose it BIG TIME. In fact, he had just been released on bail and was awaiting a court date (for a separate charge) when the "incident" happened. I can't imagine how painful her daily life was with him. Not that she was an angel...but who is? I don't have kids, but I will one day (as long as my one, lonely ovary pulls through for me...) I just can't comprehend any of those mother-child emotions that must've been going through her heart and mind for all those long, tough years.

It's just sickening...I don't want to think about it anymore. Just know that it has been very hard, very surreal, hurtful, crazy, emotional...and yet, I knew this was going to happen. I said this was going to happen. I actually spoke the words, and we all knew it might come to this. There was just nothing we could do to stop it. She didn't deserve to go this way, no matter how mean she was at times. I learned yesterday during the funeral service that she touched many lives. I learned that she was a fun and very loving friend to many people. It made my heart so happy to hear those things. I NEEDED to hear those things because that wasn't my experience with her.

We should all live life to the fullest and be the best people we can possibly be. If there's anything good at all that could come of this, it has reminded me to cherish every moment and every waking breath. Life goes on for us right now, and we need to make the most of it.

The past few days have been tough, but like I goes on. We've done some "normal" things around the house. Holding on to a routine is comforting through these times.

Yard Sale @ The Carroll's'! Sean mans the driveway while we wait for my dad to arrive.
Our neighborhood hosts community yard sale only twice a year. We have been waiting to unload our junk for 6 months. Of course, we had to go to Murfreesboro for the funeral, so my dad came over and negotiated with all the greedy buyers for us. I was so thankful for his help!!! Dad helped us make about $160, so now we can go buy a heater for Sean's car. He's going to need it very soon! The cold winter weather is creeping in on us.

After a day of mourning, you need something to cheer you up. Why not a ZOMBIE!? Next week is Halloween - my favorite holiday. We each have costumes that require special makeup, so we decided to test out my makeup applying skills. I think Sean is going to look like the best zombie ever.

Sean also grilled amazing steaks last night, as usual! We had bone-in ribeye steak seasoned with Cavendar's (for you dad!) and roasted asparagus sprinkled with parmesan, all paired with a delicious Cabernet. The cab was a gift from our housewarming party back in June. I wish I knew who gave us the bottle! It was a 2002 Oberon from Napa. No joke - It was quite possibly the best wine I've ever tasted. Bless you and thank you, whoever gave us that bottle! I want to go buy a whole case of it, but I'm scared of the price. Sean needs a new heater...I can't blow our money on booze.

Speaking of Booze...come to our Halloween party (cleverly titled BOOZEFEST - get it?) on Saturday @ 8:00.

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