Feed Me

I'm hungry. I've been hungry all week. Even after a decent-sized meal, my stomach growls saying, "Feeeeeeed Meeeeeee. Feeeeeeed Meeeeeeeee." It's a mildly painful and miserable feeling to be hungry after you've just eaten. I mean, really I just want the hunger to go away. It's difficult to ignore sometimes, but I can't give into it. Must....be.....strong....

I was recently asked to write an essay as part of a challenge for the weight loss program. Here are a few paragraphs of what I wrote:

For me, food has always been a form of celebration. So many wonderful memories are sparked when I recall the sounds, smells and events involved with good food. (And believe me; I consider most food to be “good.”) Whether it’s gathering around my grandmother’s table with the whole family, attending a fellowship pot-luck at church, or sharing a special occasion at a nice restaurant, food somehow finds its way into every significant, and not-so significant, moment in my life. In my opinion, a good meal mixed with good company is the perfect recipe for happiness. And in my case, it also became the recipe for gaining weight.

I knew I was getting fat, but where and when did it happen? It wasn’t an easy diagnosis. For several years I ignored the fact that I was adding pounds. I gained the majority of my weight during college when unhealthy, cheap food (namely Wendy’s) was readily available for a student on the go. Stopping by Waffle House or Krystal was the perfect way to end a night out with friends. I was no stranger to scattered, smothered, covered and topped. One word comes to mind while reflecting on this period of my life: Overindulgence. If it was cheap, fast, hot and cheesy then I was going to find some way to eat it. Even though I knew my eating habits were terribly unhealthy, I felt strangely entitled to this lifestyle. What college student has the money or time to prepare fresh healthy meals? I sure didn’t know any. And why should I be any different? This attitude was detrimental, and it was quite some time before I realized the consequences of my actions.

As the weight came on, I found myself buying bigger clothes until I reached the largest available size in the Misses department. When size 16 started to get snug, shopping for clothes became a huge ordeal. I was now restricted to shopping in the Plus Size stores which was a dreadful experience. While I was too big for “normal” clothes, I found that I was too small for the plus sized clothes. I was in the midst of Clothing Purgatory where nothing fit my body. NOTHING.Every outfit I bought was ill-fitting and unflattering. The fact that I was so uncomfortable in my clothes kept me from enjoying social activities. Choosing an outfit for a dinner date with friends would send me into depression before I ever left the house, keeping me in a sour mood for the rest of the night. I continued going out with my friends, but there was always an underlying sense of embarrassment that kept me from being completely happy.

Unfortunately, my new plus sized body wasn’t enough of a wake up call for me. Instead, I would get angry at the clothing companies for failing to suit my overweight frame. “I’m not that big!” I would say. “Haven’t they seen curves before? Can’t they just make this shirt one size bigger so I can wear it?” Friends and family would make comments such as, “You’re tall and you carry your weight well.” While they meant well, these statements only enabled me to continue ignoring my problem. When my doctor warned me that I was pre-obese, I thought, “I don’t look like those people. They’re so much fatter than me. She’s can’t be right about that!” But she was right. What I failed to realize was that I was harming my body by continuing my bad habits. My day-to-day life included zero exercise and I ate anything I wanted regardless of how unhealthy it was. Oh sure, I would eat healthy food on occasion. I’d be so proud of myself if I chose a salad instead of a steak. “Look at me, everyone! I’m such a healthy eater!” But that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Those handfuls of times when I made a good choice didn’t even begin to make a dent. I needed a complete body overhaul, and one salad just won’t do it – not for me, and not for anyone. It was difficult for me to face the fact that my weight was a direct result of my bad choices. While I wasn’t technically obese, I was on an extremely unhealthy path that would’ve inevitably led to obesity.

Obesity scared me. I couldn’t believe that I reached the point where my health was becoming a medical concern all because of my weight. For the first time in years, I finally started to think about the kinds of food I was putting into my body and the real effect it had on me. But there’s a big gap between thinking and doing. Change wasn’t instant. Part of my struggle came from the fact that I simply accepted my fate as a fat person. I thought, “Hey, it’s in my genes! There’s nothing I can do about it.” I’ve always been a larger person, and I come from a large family. Even in my younger years when I was actually a healthy weight, I still referred to myself as “fat” because I was bigger than everyone my age. Not necessarily fatter, just bigger. I had a terrible body image growing up. I was accustomed to feeling fat and frumpy, so when it finally happened to me, I just accepted it. Was I happy with my new fat body? Certainly not. But I felt extremely helpless, as though something had done this to me, and there was nothing I could do to change it. “This is just the way God made me. I’m just a big girl,” I’d say. Looking back I realize that all these thoughts of helplessness were just my way of avoiding responsibility. I saw other people – friends, family, co-workers – enjoying all kinds of foods with a carefree attitude, and I wanted to do the same. If no one else had to worry about their weight, then why should I?

The build-up was a slow process, but eventually something clicked with me. I realized that I needed to stop comparing myself to other people, and instead focus on myself alone. This problem was now about my weight, my body, and my choices. Some people can enjoy unhealthy foods and get away with it, but I’m not one of those people. It was time for some real change, and I needed to find a successful way to get healthy. Knowing that I wanted to make changes, my mom bought me a gym membership for Christmas. It was, without a doubt, a gift that changed my life forever. I slowly but surely started visiting the gym on a regular basis. It took a while to form a routine that fit my lifestyle, but over time it became second nature to pick up the gym bag on my way out the door. Today I can’t imagine going back to a life without exercise. It’s given me so much more energy and strength along with the self confidence that comes from losing weight. I’m proud of myself for finally learning to take care of my body. I’ll always be tempted by food, but I will strive to continue making healthy choices. -- THE END.

So tonight is our weekly weigh-in at the gym and I'm really hoping to have lost 2 lbs. So far I haven't lost more than 1 pound a week which is extremely discouraging considering how much I work out. I did just okay with my eating this weekend. It could've been better, but I found myself at the Bound'ry with Sean and his friend Kenneth on Friday night. We ordered up several plates of delicious tapas and there's no telling how many calories we consumed between the oysters, foie gras, Korean BBQ wraps, cheese and meat tray, duck breast, sushi rolls, etc.... I was proud of myself for only having 1 glass of wine with dinner and for skipping dessert, but that may not have been enough to get me to 2 lbs. We'll see...

This past weekend was absolutely beautiful. I could definitely use some more of this weather to get me out of the winter funk. I really hate winter. We got a small glimpse of the Spring to come -- 75 degrees, sunny, and NO HUMIDITY. Sean and I enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine by working in the yard on Sunday. We cleaned out the flower beds and Sean climbed on the roof to tackle some of our clogged gutters. I couldn't believe how much dirt came out of those things! Today is the last day of nice weather as the temperature is supposed to drop considerably over the next few days. I'm not so excited for the upcoming weekend - High of 35? YUCK! Looks like the yard work will have to be postponed.

And finally, yesterday was my very first attempt at roasting a chicken. I'm not sure why, but I've always been very intimidated by the thought of roasting a bird at home. I was surprised at how easy it was, and I was really pleased with the final result!

Out on the Town

This past weekend Sean and I went out with friends 2 nights in a row – that’s T-W-O – which is way a bit out of the ordinary for us. We enjoyed ourselves, but boy did we feel old! Maybe I shouldn’t speak for Sean…ok, I felt old. Going out with friends isn’t quite what it used to be. Come midnight, I’m ready to crash. I was proud of us, though – we hung in there with the young folk.

Sean’s good friend Price was driving through town and stopped to stay with us Friday night. I was so excited – “A house guest is coming! A house guest is coming!” It was the perfect excuse for a nice steak dinner. Afterwards we decided that Price, being the cool and casual California man, needed a real taste of Nashville. We headed to town with one destination in mind - Lonnie’s Western Room…there’s no place like it on earth. Just a step above Hole-in-the-Wall status, Lonnie’s is a small, crowded, smoky karaoke bar on Printer’s Alley. And y’all, people in Nashville take their karaoke seriously. Lonnie’s only takes cash, and their beer is served by the bucket. Don’t even think about getting the munchies here because they don’t serve food. No fear, though – you can order up a super-delicious hot dog or BBQ sammich from Joe just outside the entrance. Lonnie would probably let you order a pizza, but I’ve never tried…at least not yet. Scoring a seat in the VIP lounge is a treat. With mirror-clad walls, torn vinyl seats and a big skull on the wall what more could you want? Plus, there’s room for dancing up there, and a girl’s gotta dance when some drunken redneck starts singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing’.” Unfortunately for us, Lonnie’s wasn’t all the white-trash glory we had hoped for. Lonnie recently opened another lounge on the other side of town, and I’m guessing he took all of his regulars and staff over there.

Here's a shot of Printer's Alley

Here I am at Lonnie's (June '07)
Emily and Sherri enjoying the VIP lounge
See, I told you the hot dogs were good!

Since Lonnie’s was somewhat of a bust, we decided to check out Paradise Park on Broadway. It’s a relatively new concept bar. The concept? Trailer Trash. But unlike Lonnie’s, this redneck vibe is not original. Still, it was a pretty neat place, and I’m definitely looking forward to going back. These people went to great lengths to recreate the glory of the All-American White Trash Trailer Park. It may not be authentic, but it’s pretty darn close: green Astroturf, broken lawn chairs, a beat-up Dodge Charger, plastic cups, patty melts, and a Wall of Mullets!

Price left Saturday morning to continue his trip up to West Virginia. (Why do I always say “West Virginny” in my head when I think of that state?) Sean and I laid around in our PJ’s until 5 p.m. It was the laziest Saturday I’ve had in years! And it was wonderful. The only reason we got showers and cleaned up was because we had plans to meet friends at Big Bang. I may have mentioned Big Bang before…I can’t remember. It’s the dueling piano bar, and it’s a lot of fun if you like singing along to pop music with a bunch of strangers….which I do. My throat usually hurts after leaving Big Bang because I scream sing along to the music.

So, that’s our weekend in a nutshell. Everything is back to normal – work, gym, dinner, sleep, work gym, dinner sleep….

Valentine's and Lost

Love was definitely in the air yesterday. Valentine’s Day is just another day for some people, but for me it was a chance to gush over Sean even more than I usually do. I received a beautiful arrangement of violet-colored orchids (it pays to have your mother-in-law be a florist!). As my co-workers passed my cubicle they would stop and ask, “Are those for Valentine’s Day?” Well, Dummy, why else would I have flowers at my desk on February 14^TH? The orchids are so cool…much sassier than red roses, which is probably why there was so much confusion surrounding them. Yes, my husband sends me orchids on Valentine’s because he’s thoughtful, creative, and because he thinks roses are just too boring. I love him.

After work and a quick stop at the gym, I met Sean at the house and we freshened up for dinner. He had reservations for 7:15 at The Yellow Porch which is right down the street from our house. The fact that we were dining in our neighborhood gave me a little sense of pride. Once a house itself, The Yellow Porch is now a notable restaurant tucked away in a small lot off Thompson Lane. Even after dining there on several occasions, I still have trouble spotting it. Oh, and by the way, the porch is not yellow.

The atmosphere at The Yellow Porch is difficult to describe. From the menu to the décor, everything is an eclectic blend coolness. It’s one of those places where you feel comfortable wearing your “going out” jeans and a black turtleneck while sitting next to a man in a suit. Because it’s an old house, the dining room is much smaller than a traditional restaurant so you have to enjoy being a cozy diner….a really cozy diner. The lighting is low, the walls and curtains are velvet red, and original artwork and stained glass give it some flare.

The Valentines Day menu offered some fanciful new dishes, but when it came to the starters we went straight for the classic muscles. There’s no way we could pass on the warm, garlicky, buttery white wine dippin’ sauce. For the entrée I chose Lamb in Chianti au jus with Cranberry Beans. I know what you’re thinking – cranberry beans? I’m right there with you. I was a little hesitant to order the dish based on the beans alone, and I even consulted our server who assured me they were tasty. I was worried they would be too sweet or fruity, and I just didn’t want sweet beans. Who does, really? The beans were basically a jazzed up version of kidney beans (I think) that had some little bits of i-don’t-know-what (cranberries?) floating around in them. But the beans were more savory than they were sweet, which made my belly happy. The lamb was spot-on and the au jus was perfectly thick and rich. Sean decided on the Abodo Marinated Port Porterhouse with Sweet Potato, Sage and Parmesan Hash, Haricot Vert and Whole Grain Mustard Thyme Sauce. (Thank you, Website, for providing such a detailed description.) FYI: Haricot Vert = French Green Beans. I’d be perfectly fine with the menu reading “Green Beans,” but I understand they need to keep up appearances. We wouldn’t want any straggling tasteless diners from Applebee’s wandering over from next door, would we? I’d say the prices and Haricot Vert are enough to keep them at bay.

Sean and I thoroughly enjoyed our meal and each other’s company. It was the perfect dinner date with my Valentine, and there was no need to rush home to watch LOST because Sean set the VCR. (Yes, you heard me…VCR!) There was only one small problem…we set the VCR to start taping at 9:00 p.m. which is exactly when LOST ends!!! We realized our mistake at approximately 8:10 just after the show had started. What to do!? Do we rush home to catch the last half? It was decided that we would order dessert to make up for our devastating error. The Chocolate Espresso Torte was enough to make me forget about the island. Oooey gooey rich and creamy…it was heavenly. The slice we split was like the luscious filling of a chocolate truffle, and it disappeared from the plate in about 30 seconds flat.

So what does a couple of D.I.N.Ks like us do after a lovely Valentine’s dinner? Candles and wine? Not quite. We came home, changed into PJ’s and pulled out the guitar. Sean played a rendition of Rocky Top that sounded much like a Coldplay song. (Give him a break – he’s still learning.) We then busted into a jam session – Sean playing melodramatic chords while I sang along. “Lost, we missed you tonight….we missed you tonight…we missed you tonight. Who will get off the island? We still do not know…we still do not know…we still do not know….” It. Was. AWESOME.

Pictures from New Years Eve 2007

I promised these pictures almost a month ago and they're finally here!

Adrienne, Me and Jolene

(I'm making a weird smile, and that's a 2008 stick-on tattoo you see on my chest.)

You can't do New Year's Eve without having a dance party!

Just mingling...

Richard and Tiffany chillin' and keeping away from the dance party.

Canned wine? Ok! It's bubbly!

Sean enjoys some of Sarah Anne's homemade vanilla mousse - De-freakin-licious!

Gather 'round the table for some grub

I really wish I could remember who Cole was insulting in this shot...

Knit This

This is the old pair of socks from 5 years ago. I'm using 2 circular needles to create these.
This is the new pair of socks from the Threaded Bliss class. I'm using multiple double poited needles to get the same circular effect.

There's been a knitting revival in the Carroll household, folks! I spent the past 3 Saturdays at Threaded Bliss in Brentwood participating in a sock class. Yes, socks. No more boring scarves for me. I'm on to bigger and better knits...

The last time I attempted socks was in college about 5 years ago. I suffered from "Second Sock Syndrome" which means after knitting the first sock, I never finished the second one. And five years later, I couldn't even begin to interpret the pattern. Lucky for me, I visited Threaded Bliss during their first session of Socks 101, and I signed up on the spot.

The class is from 9:00-10:30 a.m., but I rarely make it home before 1:00 in the afternoon. At first I felt guilty for abandoning Sean...but I do think he enjoys his alone time on lazy Saturdays. I'm not at home asking him to pitch in with chores. He gets to drink a full pot of coffee, lay around in PJs, play computer games, and read the paper...all in silence.

So what exactly do I do at the knit shop for 4 hours? Well, in addition to the new pair of socks from the class, I dug out the old pair from 5 years ago! The instructor Emily is a knitting genius and has helped me bring the dead pair back to life. Sitting in the store for so long gets me inspiried to work on other projects. I picked up a skein of gorgeous yellow for a hat that I hope to make after the socks are done. And just yesterday I bought a book called Itty Bitty Hats so I can give baby gifts to all my pregnant friends. Yes, people, I said MY FRIENDS. (Don't even go there...)

The knit shop is a lot like a beauty salon. Women of all kinds sitting around a big table, gossping, sharing stories...except they're all knitting instead of cutting hair. Those of you who know me probably think I'm one of the ring leaders of girl talk, but that's not so...I take my knitting seriously. I get into the "kntting zone," and I don't do a whole lot of talking. Instead, I enjoy watching, listening, and soaking in the environment. It's much like the mood I get in when I'm at the airport. Being in a public place like that is like watching television. I get lost in other people's stories, and I fill in the missing details on my own. Before I know it, hours and hours have passed, and I literally have to pull myself away from the knit shop.

I would love to have a knit shop of my own one day. Obviously, it wouldn't be for financial gain, but rather a chance to share my own cozy space with the community. You never know...

Cardio, Claories and Cleaning – OH MY.

Losing weight. It’s a daunting task but it can be done. The trick is to do it “right.” It means counting calories and fat intake and exercising on a regular basis, and so that’s what I’ve been doing. In fact, it feels like that’s ALL I do sometimes. When people say it’s a lifestyle change, well…they aren’t lying.

I almost had a meltdown the other night when I came home. I say “almost” because I managed to pull myself together. But for a small second, I really could’ve broken down in tears out of anger, frustration and exhaustion. I’ve been participating in this weight loss program going on 3 weeks now. The program lasts a total of 12, so we’re only a quarter of the way through. Ugh…I manage to do ok with my eating for the most part. I’ve only “cheated” a few times, but my cheats are still within reason. The worst cheat so far was a nasty burger at O’Charley’s. It was so bad that I didn’t even eat the whole thing. Overcooked and tasteless. To be honest, I don’t know what possessed me to eat a burger in the first place. I rarely order them and I never crave them. And at O’Charley’s of all places??? I really must have lost my mind that night. That day my total calories came to 1800 when they’re supposed to be 1500. Worse things have happened, right?

But let me tell you…it’s the exercise that’s killing me. Last week was TERRIBLE. I felt like I had been run over by a train, or like I was coming down with the flu. I was miserable and in a foul mood. Four days of exercise is something I can handle. In fact, I had become quite used to doing 4 days. But often, I allowed myself a break in between, going Mon-Tues, off Wednesday, and back on Thu-Fri. I guess my body was so used to the on-again, off-again routine that it went into shock when I did 5 days in a row. Anyhow, the exhaustion led me to being irritable which led me to the near-meltdown.

I just feel like I spend ALL of my time thinking about losing weight. If I’m not planning meals, then I’m in the gym. Or if I’m out with friends, then I’m upset that I can’t eat good food. It really gets to me sometimes…it’s hard work, and sometimes I just HATE it.

So I came home the other night, tired, cranky and exhausted…and still fat…It was 7 p.m. by the time I got home. I only had 3 hours before going to bed, which was a little depressing. THREE HOURS. That’s it. And guess what happens in those three hours? Cooking dinner. Cleaning up after dinner. Packing the gym back for the next day. And squeezing in a stupid TV show. How freakin exciting, right? This feeling is what I like to call “being in a rut.”

So I’m standing in the kitchen, and the house was just getting to me…so messy, not cleaned. The fact that I’ve been so focused on losing weight and doing this program means that my cleaning duties have taken a back seat. I mean, something has to give so why not the cleaning? It’s my least favorite thing. But that night I was overwhelmed with a huge guilt complex. I was thinking, “I’m not doing enough. I’m not cleaning enough. I’m not organized.” I felt like a failure, and of course Sean was saying, “No, you’re doing a great job.” Oh, SHUT UP. I do not take encouragement well at all. In fact, it sometimes makes me feel worse. If I were doing a great job the tub would’ve been cleaned. The sheets would’ve been washed. The clothes would’ve been picked up off the bathroom floor. The kitchen wouldn’t look like a disaster zone. The laundry wouldn’t be overflowing out of the hamper. I suck.

But thankfully, I snapped out of my funk. With only 3 hours before bedtime, there’s no room for a meltdown. I just sucked it up and ignored all of it. Screw it. No one can see my messy kitchen (except maybe the neighbors). I’m fine with it. Sean isn’t complaining about it.

...And we're off!

The New Year is in full swing, and as you may have noticed, I’ve been busy neglecting my poor blog.

Sorry, y’all. Sorry, blog. I love you, I really do. I just haven’t made the time…

It’s not just about the time, though – I just haven’t had the urge to share anything. Nothing very exciting has happened since I last posted (at Christmas), and I missed my chance to recap New Years. I guess I’ve been waiting for that random ounce of something cool to come along so I could tell you about it…But maybe you aren’t reading this for excitement. Maybe you just want to know what’s going on with me and my life. I don’t know…I always feel the need to put on a show here, but maybe you’re ok with a simple, non-eventful blog entry.

So let me catch you up on the past three weeks…

Sean and I hosted a New Year’s party for several of our friends (***pictures coming soon***). We had a fantastic time ringing in 2008 with everyone, and we were so flattered that they wanted to be there to share it with us. My favorite part of the evening was Cole’s attempt at Mad Gab. I regret not taking video footage because it was really one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen. If you haven’t played Mad Gab with your friends, then you definitely need to track it down at Wal-Mart and host a party of your own. The New Years party didn’t wrap till about 2 in the morning, so Sean and I slept in the next day and (against my will) we watched FOUR bowl games in a row. I thought my eyeballs were going to fall out…But as the Day of Neverending Football Games dragged on, I found myself getting mildly excited and screaming things like, “FUMBLE! FUMBLE!” and “HE WAS TOTALLY OUT OF BOUNDS!” I also began to pick up on some of the game rules which made watching a *teeny weeny* bit more enjoyable.

Like most of you, we spent the first week of January trying to get back to a normal routine. The office was dead, work was slow, but we’ve finally found normalcy again.

Last week I hosted a Premier Jewelry party (I know, I know…enough with the parties already!), but after going to my grandmother’s party I knew that I had to host one myself. The jeweler, Erin, was so stinkin’ cute and I thought she did an excellent job. I didn’t necessarily want everyone to blow their money on jewelry, but it was a good excuse to get the girls together. Plus, several members of my family hadn’t seen my house so I wanted them to come over and check it out. After all, we’ve been there 2 years…So we all crammed into my living room while Erin showed us her pieces, and I think everyone enjoyed it. Mom and sister had a mild spat in the kitchen, but it blew over quickly before things got out of hand! With 15 women crammed into a small space, it was bound to happen…

And then came the weight loss program.

We’re all making new plans to get healthy and in shape this year, right? (Except for Uncle Kevin…I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have an ounce of fat to lose.) And as some of you may know, I’ve been going to the gym pretty regularly for a year now. I’ve also been trying to watch my calories and make sure I limit the amount of crap that goes into my mouth. It’s worked out well for me so far (lost a little over 20 lbs since I started), but I was recently offered the opportunity to step up my game and join a weight loss program. It’s called The Tri-Life Challenge and it’s modeled after The Biggest Loser television show. The only difference is that we don’t get a cash prize, but I guess I’m ok with that as long as my butt shrinks!

The only things I’ll be doing differently are exercising more and being really strict about what I eat. No more cheating on the weekends with pizza or Mexican food. I have to be good for the next THREE MONTHS! And by good I mean sticking to 1500 calories, which really isn’t that bad if you ask me. 1500 calories gives me what I need, but it also means that I can’t gorge myself with cheese dip at Nacho’s restaurant. I struggled with whether or not I should join the program, but in the end I decided that this sort of opportunity doesn’t come along very often. I also have to keep a food journal, which I’ve already been doing…only now I can’t write an entry that says “3 Krystals Chili Cheese pups………630 Calories.” I think they get mad at you for that sort of thing. For now I’ll stick to grilled chicken and brown rice, but don’t you fear, Chili Cheese Pups, Pizza, and Mexican food….I will see you all April 7 when I have my graduation dinner!!!