Last week was my 26th birthday. For me, it wasn't anything special. Just another day. I wasn't into celebrating my birthday at all this year. Last year I had a group of friends over for a BBQ because all I wanted was to hang out with the coolest people I know. It was a fun night -- more about being with my friends than focusing on my actual birthday. I love hosting parties and showing my friends a good time, so seeing them have fun was a great birthday present.
But this year was different. For some reason, I would've rather been alone. I didn't want any attention or fuss over the fact that I was turning 26. Really? Who cares about 26? My husband and friends tried to get me excited about celebrating, but I wasn't going to have it. When I stop to think about why I was so anti-celebration, I keep coming back to my new job. I've been consumed with it -- worrying about my busy days, worrying that I won't succeed, dreaming about work issues, putting pressure on myself, and worrying some more. I'm driving myself crazy, but I don't know any other way to act. It seems like trying to relax and let go only makes things worse. And trying to celebrate while feeling so much pressure just really put me in a bad mood. I wanted to scream "CAN'T YOU SEE!? MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT THIS NEW JOB NOW! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE!!!" I've been trying to adjust to working 10 hours a day. My schedule used to be so strict: Work 8 hours, Gym class at 5 p.m., cook dinner at 7, bed at 10:00. As boring as it was, I LIKE THAT!!! I like routine, and I'm going to miss it. But it's so much more than that...
One of the reasons I'm really stressed about this new job is the fact that I am not allowed to leave at 5:00 to go to gym class. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm afraid that this new job is going to make me fat again. Everyone else at the company is ok with not going to the gym, but it's different for me. I worked really hard to lose 50 pounds. I need the class; I need the structured environment to succeed. Having the instructor is really what led to my success. Once my laptop and Blackjack arrive, I'm afriad I won't be able to tell the different between work and home. Structure will be gone. I used to be able to leave my work at the door, which allowed me to come home and focus on the house and my husband and myself. I spend a lot of time organizing our lives, but it's becoming more difficult for me to do since I'm so worried about work now.
This is the first time in a very long time that I've had to struggle to find balance in my life. If I wanted to, I could easily work 12 hour days because there's so much to do. I want to succeed. All I want is to do a good job, and I feel like the way to achieve this is to neglect my personal life and focus on work 100%. Isn't that how rich people do it? I feel that the leadership in my company really does want me to work 12 hour days. "Anything to get the job done!" they would say. "Sacrifice. We're your top priority." That is how I percieve the culture now. Before when I was a measly hourly employee, they didn't care about me. I'm thrilled to be moving up. I have it in me to be more and do more. But I was told twice (once in the interview and once during the face-to-face offer) "We own you now." It's one of those statements that echoes in your head for a long time..."We own you now." It's a simple comment, but it carries very powerful undertones. No one in 26 years has ever said that to me before. I don't know if I like it.
Do you have to be ok with someone owning you in order to succeed?
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
social season
Every year as the seasons change and the flowers begin to bloom so does our social calendar. The days are longer, everyone comes out from hibernation and we decide it's time to see each other again. I love this time of year because I crave social activity. I especially craved it this year after being laid up in the bed for 2 weeks straight. Cinco de Mayo came just as I was feeling well enough to go out again, and what better place to celebrate than our favorite Mexican restaurant Nachos. Mmmmm MMmm! Sean and I met our friends Britt and Jill for a Mexican feast and margaritas. We devoured boat loads of salsa, cheese dip and some sort of chorizo au gratin that Beto concocted for us.
Our next date with Britt and Jill was a wine event at the Factory to raise money for the historic Franklin theatre. We dawned our coctail duds and sipped on many different red wines -- some good and some disgusting -- while mingling and trying to make our way into a VIP Magazine shot. Sadly, I don't have any pictures from the evening, but trust me - I'm pretty sure we were all looking fabulous that night. If we make it into the magazine, I'll be sure to scan in the picture for your viewing pleasure.
And finally, this past Friday we were out with Britt and Jill again; this time for the Franklin Rodeo. I had an absolute blast! I just wish it would've lasted longer. Maybe next year I'll try to go all three nights. Mutton Bustin', barrel racing and bull riding - what more could a girl ask for? I think I have a thing for the cowboys. Sean, dig out them boots from the back of your closet, baby!
A couple of weeks ago, I invited all of my work friends over for a family cookout. It was so nice to hang out with everyone in a non-work setting and spend time with their spouses and kids. Since Sean and I have nothing that even resembles a toy in our house, we decided to buy some bubbles and balls for the 3 kids that were coming over. It seemed to work just fine, and I think they actually enjoyed playing in the back yard. Sherri and Keith stayed behind after everyone left, and Sherri and I killed an entire pitcher of Miss Billie's Punch. Below is the evidence that we had ourself a good ole time! This is what I found in the fridge the next morning. Yes, folks, the pitcher is bone dry.
In other friend news, my best friend Jolene is moving off to California this week. We've known each other for close to 20 years now. Sean and I popped into a going away party for her to say good bye and wish her well. She'll be living in the OC at her grandma's place and finishing up school. Hopefully I can save up some money for a ticket out to the West coast. I haven't spent much time in California. To be honest, it intimidates me. I mean, have you watched The Hills? Yea, I need to lose about 30 more pounds and have a breast augmentation before I go out there. So, good luck Jolene!!!!! We love you!
This morning we had brunch with our pals Luca and Adrienne. It was a quick visit because they were just in town overnight for a wedding. Sean and I decided that we need to get back to Atlanta soon because we really love haning out with them. And guys, I promise this time we won't make you spend 3 hours in Ikea!
As I get ready for my 2nd full week at the new job, I find myself a little nervous. Last week was such a whirlwind. I just hope I can find some focus or some rhythm or something that at least resembles organization! It will also be the first time I attempt going back to the gym. I'm looking forward to doing that more than anything. Before I sign off, I wanted to share a picture of my beautiful orchid. Since I don't have pets or kids, this is really the only thing I can brag about. I killed my last orchid so I'm hoping to be a better caretaker this time around. So far I have 2 new blooms! (they grew from the pods you see in the picture below). This plant was a gift from Tom and Ann after my surgery. Isn't it beautiful!? Dear Orchid, Please stay alive forever!
Our next date with Britt and Jill was a wine event at the Factory to raise money for the historic Franklin theatre. We dawned our coctail duds and sipped on many different red wines -- some good and some disgusting -- while mingling and trying to make our way into a VIP Magazine shot. Sadly, I don't have any pictures from the evening, but trust me - I'm pretty sure we were all looking fabulous that night. If we make it into the magazine, I'll be sure to scan in the picture for your viewing pleasure.
And finally, this past Friday we were out with Britt and Jill again; this time for the Franklin Rodeo. I had an absolute blast! I just wish it would've lasted longer. Maybe next year I'll try to go all three nights. Mutton Bustin', barrel racing and bull riding - what more could a girl ask for? I think I have a thing for the cowboys. Sean, dig out them boots from the back of your closet, baby!
A couple of weeks ago, I invited all of my work friends over for a family cookout. It was so nice to hang out with everyone in a non-work setting and spend time with their spouses and kids. Since Sean and I have nothing that even resembles a toy in our house, we decided to buy some bubbles and balls for the 3 kids that were coming over. It seemed to work just fine, and I think they actually enjoyed playing in the back yard. Sherri and Keith stayed behind after everyone left, and Sherri and I killed an entire pitcher of Miss Billie's Punch. Below is the evidence that we had ourself a good ole time! This is what I found in the fridge the next morning. Yes, folks, the pitcher is bone dry.
In other friend news, my best friend Jolene is moving off to California this week. We've known each other for close to 20 years now. Sean and I popped into a going away party for her to say good bye and wish her well. She'll be living in the OC at her grandma's place and finishing up school. Hopefully I can save up some money for a ticket out to the West coast. I haven't spent much time in California. To be honest, it intimidates me. I mean, have you watched The Hills? Yea, I need to lose about 30 more pounds and have a breast augmentation before I go out there. So, good luck Jolene!!!!! We love you!
This morning we had brunch with our pals Luca and Adrienne. It was a quick visit because they were just in town overnight for a wedding. Sean and I decided that we need to get back to Atlanta soon because we really love haning out with them. And guys, I promise this time we won't make you spend 3 hours in Ikea!
As I get ready for my 2nd full week at the new job, I find myself a little nervous. Last week was such a whirlwind. I just hope I can find some focus or some rhythm or something that at least resembles organization! It will also be the first time I attempt going back to the gym. I'm looking forward to doing that more than anything. Before I sign off, I wanted to share a picture of my beautiful orchid. Since I don't have pets or kids, this is really the only thing I can brag about. I killed my last orchid so I'm hoping to be a better caretaker this time around. So far I have 2 new blooms! (they grew from the pods you see in the picture below). This plant was a gift from Tom and Ann after my surgery. Isn't it beautiful!? Dear Orchid, Please stay alive forever!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
New Job
I’m proud to say that as of Monday I officially carry the title as Business Care Manager for my company. My first day on the job was unlike any other simply because it was the first day the position ever existed. Yes, my new role is not only new for my but it's also new for the entire company. Thankfully, I have an experienced team member and wonderful director to help guide me through the transition. Still, it’s pretty crazy to literally have to start from scratch with a new position.
BCM Agenda for May 12: Find out what exactly it is that I’m supposed to do…
Needless to say, my head is spinning in a million directions as I try to make some sense out of all this. It will require a lot of information gathering and organization. I’m really just diving in head first and crossing my fingers that I do a good job. Everyone has been really supportive and encouraging so far, so I’m thankful for that. The only unsettling comment was from my VP of Sales who referred to my role as “the single throat to choke.” It just doesn’t have a very nice ring to it….and he said it repeatedly. It reminds me of spousal abuse, which doesn’t offer a very pleasant visual image. I’m actively working to come up with a better analogy. Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated.
Monday night I left work with a stress headache. My brain was packed with too much information about my new position. I headed off for my weekly trip the grocery store, and by the time I finished shopping I was exhausted! Sean helped me unload the groceries and then he stepped out on the deck to take a work call. I started pulling out the ingredients for our meal and prepping my workspace. As I started chopping and seasoning, I could hear music coming from the CD player the living room and it made me feel like I had my very own cooking show. The sounds, smells and textures of preparing the meal were very therapeutic for me, and by the time my pork chops were finished cooking I was feeling much better.
Tuesday – another stress headache. Thankfully, I had plans to meet up with my very oldest friend in the world Jolene. We grabbed dinner and drinks at my favorite after-work watering hole Bonefish, and then we came back to the house to write a song. Of course, with all the catching up we had to do, we never really got around to writing anything. (Does one line count?) She jammed and we sang a little big, but mostly we just talked which was nice. She’s moving to
Wednesday – stress headache. What else? Only this time it turned into a full-blown migraine or sinus headache or something that hurt very badly. I took medicine and fell asleep before 9:00, but the evil thing was still around when I woke up this morning. So I’m 3 for 3 with nightly headaches. Hopefully tonight will break the chain! I’m really doing this to myself, getting all panicked and thinking I have to know it all within the first week.
If I had a therapist, I imagine that he or she would identify me as a person with control issues. I don’t like being out of control of a situation. It’s terrifying to me to not know what's going on and to not be able to manipulate it…especially now that I’m in a position where I have no idea what to do. I have a vague idea, but it’s not enough for me. My entire day is filled with thoughts of failure. In fact, I just reminded myself of the dream I had last night. Without sharing all the crazy details, I’ll just say it had to do with me riding as a passenger in a runaway car and not being able to steer. That’s exactly what I feel like right now, and I don’t enjoy it one bit!
In other news, my recovery is coming along nicely. Each day I find myself feeling stronger and more “normal.” Sunday I did 4 loads of laundry, changed the sheets and cleaned the kitchen!!! I didn’t feel very well afterwards, but the nauseous feeling finally passed and I survived. I only have minor pain every now and again as the muscle and incision try to heal. Sean is definitely excited to have his wife back and pitching in around the house again. I’m going to wait until next Monday before I go back to the gym, and even then it will be baby steps. I know I need to start off slowly until I figure out what I’m capable of doing.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Little bit at a time...
Recovery has been going well. I actually lost 15 pounds within the first week after the surgery. I honestly believe that my body thought I was pregnant and the rapid weight loss was equivalent to losing “baby weight.” I don’t know exactly what baby weight is…maybe fluids and stuff. Anyway, I know the weight loss was not because I was starving myself. I definitely maintained my big girl appetite and threw all healthy eating rules out the window. I’ve been eating like a COW! Because I can’t exercise for 2 more weeks, I need to buckle down on my eating again.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Alive and well
I'm alive and well and feeling pretty good considering I had my body cut open less than a week ago. Thank you to everyone for the prayers, well wishes, flowers, gifts and FOOD! My word, I got so much food...
Reason #492 why living in the South is the best: Everyone feeds you when you're sick. I've eaten my weight in chicken casserole this week. And listen, I could definitely get used to this not making dinner thing.
I've had so many people come by to visit and take care of me. It's such an amazing feeling...I don't feel deserving, and I can't say thank you enough.
I'm moving around with more ease each day, and the pain isn't as bad as I had expected. The incision is still very tender, and for the most part it's just a constant, low-lying cramp that I feel. Laughing hurts like a bitch...like a real big bitch. Sean and I got tickled over something we said last night before bed and I ended up in tears! The most challenging part has been recovering from anesthesia. It kept me sick for days, and even this morning I was still feeling the effects. Each day gets a little better, though. I'm hoping to head back to work sooner than I expected, an I'm really anxious to get back in the gym. I have a follow up visit with my doctor tomorrow so we'll see what she says.
My doc was excellent through the whole procedure, and she was so excited about the giant cyst she removed from my abdomen. She said it was the largest dermoid cyst she had ever seen, and during the surgery she called another doctor into the room to look at it with her. I was glad that I could give her the pleasure...and quite jealous that I didn't get to see it myself. Here's some more information on what a dermoid cyst is.
And if you're really brave, check out some pictures of the removal of a dermoid cyst. You'll have to scroll down a bit and click the link titled "series showing the surgical removal..." Once there, click "forward" to see the next picture in the series. Keep in mind that this not me!! And the reason the woman has hairy pits and nipples is because she's European. Based on the picture of her stomach, I don't think my cyst was quite this big but it sure was close.
P.S. My cyst totally had hair. I'm so proud....
Reason #492 why living in the South is the best: Everyone feeds you when you're sick. I've eaten my weight in chicken casserole this week. And listen, I could definitely get used to this not making dinner thing.
I've had so many people come by to visit and take care of me. It's such an amazing feeling...I don't feel deserving, and I can't say thank you enough.
I'm moving around with more ease each day, and the pain isn't as bad as I had expected. The incision is still very tender, and for the most part it's just a constant, low-lying cramp that I feel. Laughing hurts like a bitch...like a real big bitch. Sean and I got tickled over something we said last night before bed and I ended up in tears! The most challenging part has been recovering from anesthesia. It kept me sick for days, and even this morning I was still feeling the effects. Each day gets a little better, though. I'm hoping to head back to work sooner than I expected, an I'm really anxious to get back in the gym. I have a follow up visit with my doctor tomorrow so we'll see what she says.
My doc was excellent through the whole procedure, and she was so excited about the giant cyst she removed from my abdomen. She said it was the largest dermoid cyst she had ever seen, and during the surgery she called another doctor into the room to look at it with her. I was glad that I could give her the pleasure...and quite jealous that I didn't get to see it myself. Here's some more information on what a dermoid cyst is.
And if you're really brave, check out some pictures of the removal of a dermoid cyst. You'll have to scroll down a bit and click the link titled "series showing the surgical removal..." Once there, click "forward" to see the next picture in the series. Keep in mind that this not me!! And the reason the woman has hairy pits and nipples is because she's European. Based on the picture of her stomach, I don't think my cyst was quite this big but it sure was close.
P.S. My cyst totally had hair. I'm so proud....
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Football updates
Let the countdown begin...
I'm going in for surgery Friday morning and I'll probably get released on Sunday. Then I'll be at home for 2 weeks recovering. BO-RING. But I know that my body will need the rest. I'm sure I'll have plenty of visitors to keep me company and fluff my pillows. I've already received a string of phone calls and emails from my wonderful friends and family saying they will be there to take care of me. This football surgery is rather scary, but I feel comforted at the same time knowing that my life is blessed with so many loving people.
Sister brought me a pre-op goodie basket last night with snacks, magazines, flowers, and YARN! It was really sweet. And Sherri gave me a book called "The Friday Night Knitting Club." (Do we see a theme forming, here?)
Sean will be home Thursday night, and I'm so excited I'm about to POP! Or maybe I'm about to pop because there's a giant blob living inside my stomach.....ewwwwww.....Either way I'm a ball of nerves right now. Scheduling a surgery is like running a business! I have so many things to organize and prepare before the big day. I want to make sure the house is clean so we won't have to worry about anything when we come home on Sunday. Sister volunteered to come over on her day off and scrub the tub and toilets for me. I am so thankful!!! (the tub is my least favorite).
I probably won't have a chance to update for a while, so wish me luck!
I'm going in for surgery Friday morning and I'll probably get released on Sunday. Then I'll be at home for 2 weeks recovering. BO-RING. But I know that my body will need the rest. I'm sure I'll have plenty of visitors to keep me company and fluff my pillows. I've already received a string of phone calls and emails from my wonderful friends and family saying they will be there to take care of me. This football surgery is rather scary, but I feel comforted at the same time knowing that my life is blessed with so many loving people.
Sister brought me a pre-op goodie basket last night with snacks, magazines, flowers, and YARN! It was really sweet. And Sherri gave me a book called "The Friday Night Knitting Club." (Do we see a theme forming, here?)
Sean will be home Thursday night, and I'm so excited I'm about to POP! Or maybe I'm about to pop because there's a giant blob living inside my stomach.....ewwwwww.....Either way I'm a ball of nerves right now. Scheduling a surgery is like running a business! I have so many things to organize and prepare before the big day. I want to make sure the house is clean so we won't have to worry about anything when we come home on Sunday. Sister volunteered to come over on her day off and scrub the tub and toilets for me. I am so thankful!!! (the tub is my least favorite).
I probably won't have a chance to update for a while, so wish me luck!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Touchdown
I begrudgingly went to the doctor last Friday because of some pain in my lower abdomen. The pains which have been strong enough to wake me from my sleep have been around for the past three weeks or so. But because the pain only came during the night, it wasn’t enough of a bother to send me running to the doctor. More than anything, it was just a nuisance to be awakened every night with discomfort. After describing my ailment to co-workers, one of them suggested the possibility of an ovarian cyst, and I knew right away that this was probably my diagnosis. It’s a very common occurrence and, in fact, one of my friends in high school had a cyst. I’ve heard of them several times, and to my knowledge the treatment was simple – birth control. The hormones in the pill somehow react with your body to shrink and hopefully clear up the cyst.
I headed to my appointment with hopes of a fast and friendly visit. I have an extreme aversion to medical facilities, so my plan was to get in and get out as quickly as possible. I was in the waiting room no longer than 5 minutes before they called me back for the exam.
Five minute waiting room stay. Score. One step closer to getting out of here and getting on with my day.
Peed in the cup without getting it all over my hand. Second score. I’m doing awesome. This is the best doctor’s visit ever.
Doc comes into the exam room within 10 minutes. Note to self: Make more Friday appointments. They want to get the hell out of here just as much as I do.
The doctor asked about my symptoms so I gave her the run down and told her it was probably an ovarian cyst. (Doctors hate that about me – I love self-diagnosing.) She poked around on my belly for a good while and eventually developed a small smirk on her face. I said, “Don’t tell me there’s a baby in there.” I knew for a fact I wasn’t pregnant, but she wasn’t so convinced of that. The next thing I know, she’s wheeling in an Ultrasound machine. “No,” she said. “No baby. But you were right about the cyst.” She rotated the monitor so I could look at it, and sure enough there was a big black blob staring at me on the screen.
“That thing is huge!” I said. “It’s the size of a friggin’ golf ball!”
This was nothing like the pictures I had seen on Google where the cysts were the size of a dime. No, this sucker was big, bad and nasty. So you can imagine my shock when she says, “No, honey. It’s way bigger than a golf ball.”
“A GRAPEFRUIT!?!?!” I asked? I was trying to think of the largest medical analogy possible, and for some reason weird growths are always related to fruit.
She held up her hands and replied, “No, no grapefruit. A Nerf football.” And there between here molded palms, I saw the imaginary ball – a big, spongy yellow Nerf. AND IT’S LIVING IN MY BODY!!!! AHHHH!
My immediate reaction was hysterical laughter. I was in complete shock and denial….kind of like crazy Britney Spears when they wheeled her off in that gurney to the psych ward.
“But I only have 3 fillings and I rarely get sick! I’m really healthy! Where did this come from? What did I do to make it grow? How long has it been living inside me? When can you take it out? Can you take it out today? I can get off work.”
The doctor told me they needed to do blood work immediately in order to get the results back as quickly as possible. She also told me I need surgery ASAP, and along with removing the growth, they will also remove one of my ovaries.
Well, shit. The awesomeness of this visit completely died.
Every time my blood is drawn I pass out cold, and I usually have to lay around with some orange juice and a cold rag for at least an hour afterwards. Perhaps it was the knowledge of the football in my gut that took my mind off blood loss, but for some weird reason I maintained consciousness through the removal of six vials worth.
I was scheduled for an Ultrasound appointment at 1:00 that afternoon– this time it would be more thorough. My friends from work joined me for a quick BBQ lunch, and it was really nice to be surrounded by such great people at such a difficult time. They helped me maintain my spirits throughout the day. I arrive for the Ultrasound with a full bladder just as the doctor had asked, and by the time the started I thought I was going to burst! Finally, I was able to pee, but the Ultrasound last a full hour. Someone tell me – does it take that long if you’re having a baby? I don’t know…I just thought it seemed excessive. The lab tech kept tracing my “football” with the little jelly stick, and after a while the pushing and tracing started to get uncomfortable. Not only that, but as she stared at my football on the screen, she had the most horrified look on her face. I said, “You look like you’re watching a scary movie. Can you at least smile or something?” She just laughed, but I knew it was a front…she was terrified of my football, but she couldn’t let me know it was the scariest thing she’d ever seen. I finally got to see it myself. It was lumpy and very irregular in shape. The good news is that the football is” not very vascular.” Apparently malignant growths are more vascular…so let’s hope this one is benign.
Aside from the news of having a huge growth in my abdomen, scheduling my first surgery, and knowing I’ll lose an ovary, I’ve been really upset because Sean is not in town. My doctor appointment was Friday, and Sean left for Chicago on Saturday to visit family. I’m normally not a crier, but his leaving was the first time that I shed tears over the whole ordeal. I didn’t want him to cancel the trip because right now I’m just waiting to hear back from my doctor and there’s not much he’d be able to do for me. He’ll be back in time for the surgery for sure…but I do miss his company and his support. I don’t think about it until I need him, but I really rely on him so much in so many different ways. I can’t wait for him to come home. I feel like a big baby.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my doctor. She will have the results from the blood work and the extensive Ultrasound, so we’re going to discuss the plan of action. I’m expecting surgery at the end of this week or beginning of next. The doc says she wants to get the football out ASAP – there’s just no reason it should be growing inside me. The surgery will be a full-on cutting open of my stomach (unfortunately, the growth is too big for them to do the easy laparoscopic procedure). It will be very similar to a C-section, so I’ll be in the hospital for a few days with a 6 week recovery period.
The good news? I should see a significant flattening of my stomach after the football comes out. I’ll try to remember to post before and after pictures.
I headed to my appointment with hopes of a fast and friendly visit. I have an extreme aversion to medical facilities, so my plan was to get in and get out as quickly as possible. I was in the waiting room no longer than 5 minutes before they called me back for the exam.
Five minute waiting room stay. Score. One step closer to getting out of here and getting on with my day.
Peed in the cup without getting it all over my hand. Second score. I’m doing awesome. This is the best doctor’s visit ever.
Doc comes into the exam room within 10 minutes. Note to self: Make more Friday appointments. They want to get the hell out of here just as much as I do.
The doctor asked about my symptoms so I gave her the run down and told her it was probably an ovarian cyst. (Doctors hate that about me – I love self-diagnosing.) She poked around on my belly for a good while and eventually developed a small smirk on her face. I said, “Don’t tell me there’s a baby in there.” I knew for a fact I wasn’t pregnant, but she wasn’t so convinced of that. The next thing I know, she’s wheeling in an Ultrasound machine. “No,” she said. “No baby. But you were right about the cyst.” She rotated the monitor so I could look at it, and sure enough there was a big black blob staring at me on the screen.
“That thing is huge!” I said. “It’s the size of a friggin’ golf ball!”
This was nothing like the pictures I had seen on Google where the cysts were the size of a dime. No, this sucker was big, bad and nasty. So you can imagine my shock when she says, “No, honey. It’s way bigger than a golf ball.”
“A GRAPEFRUIT!?!?!” I asked? I was trying to think of the largest medical analogy possible, and for some reason weird growths are always related to fruit.
She held up her hands and replied, “No, no grapefruit. A Nerf football.” And there between here molded palms, I saw the imaginary ball – a big, spongy yellow Nerf. AND IT’S LIVING IN MY BODY!!!! AHHHH!
My immediate reaction was hysterical laughter. I was in complete shock and denial….kind of like crazy Britney Spears when they wheeled her off in that gurney to the psych ward.
“But I only have 3 fillings and I rarely get sick! I’m really healthy! Where did this come from? What did I do to make it grow? How long has it been living inside me? When can you take it out? Can you take it out today? I can get off work.”
The doctor told me they needed to do blood work immediately in order to get the results back as quickly as possible. She also told me I need surgery ASAP, and along with removing the growth, they will also remove one of my ovaries.
Well, shit. The awesomeness of this visit completely died.
Every time my blood is drawn I pass out cold, and I usually have to lay around with some orange juice and a cold rag for at least an hour afterwards. Perhaps it was the knowledge of the football in my gut that took my mind off blood loss, but for some weird reason I maintained consciousness through the removal of six vials worth.
I was scheduled for an Ultrasound appointment at 1:00 that afternoon– this time it would be more thorough. My friends from work joined me for a quick BBQ lunch, and it was really nice to be surrounded by such great people at such a difficult time. They helped me maintain my spirits throughout the day. I arrive for the Ultrasound with a full bladder just as the doctor had asked, and by the time the started I thought I was going to burst! Finally, I was able to pee, but the Ultrasound last a full hour. Someone tell me – does it take that long if you’re having a baby? I don’t know…I just thought it seemed excessive. The lab tech kept tracing my “football” with the little jelly stick, and after a while the pushing and tracing started to get uncomfortable. Not only that, but as she stared at my football on the screen, she had the most horrified look on her face. I said, “You look like you’re watching a scary movie. Can you at least smile or something?” She just laughed, but I knew it was a front…she was terrified of my football, but she couldn’t let me know it was the scariest thing she’d ever seen. I finally got to see it myself. It was lumpy and very irregular in shape. The good news is that the football is” not very vascular.” Apparently malignant growths are more vascular…so let’s hope this one is benign.
Aside from the news of having a huge growth in my abdomen, scheduling my first surgery, and knowing I’ll lose an ovary, I’ve been really upset because Sean is not in town. My doctor appointment was Friday, and Sean left for Chicago on Saturday to visit family. I’m normally not a crier, but his leaving was the first time that I shed tears over the whole ordeal. I didn’t want him to cancel the trip because right now I’m just waiting to hear back from my doctor and there’s not much he’d be able to do for me. He’ll be back in time for the surgery for sure…but I do miss his company and his support. I don’t think about it until I need him, but I really rely on him so much in so many different ways. I can’t wait for him to come home. I feel like a big baby.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my doctor. She will have the results from the blood work and the extensive Ultrasound, so we’re going to discuss the plan of action. I’m expecting surgery at the end of this week or beginning of next. The doc says she wants to get the football out ASAP – there’s just no reason it should be growing inside me. The surgery will be a full-on cutting open of my stomach (unfortunately, the growth is too big for them to do the easy laparoscopic procedure). It will be very similar to a C-section, so I’ll be in the hospital for a few days with a 6 week recovery period.
The good news? I should see a significant flattening of my stomach after the football comes out. I’ll try to remember to post before and after pictures.
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